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" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

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" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "