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" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

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" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "