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" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

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" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "