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" I would never heckle someone. That's why I think I'm so interested in someone that would. "

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" If you work on a comedy show, your basic form of communication is teasing. That's generally how we speak to each other: you communicate the information between the lines of insulting sentences. "

" Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being. "

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" Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it. "

" Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back. "

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" I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen. "

" I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life. "

" I would hate to meet myself at 15. "

" I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior. "

" Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England, it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing. "

" Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest. "

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" We in Britain stopped evolving gastronomically with the advent of the pie. Everything beyond that seemed like a brave, frightening new world. We knew the French were up to something across the Channel, but we didn't want anything to do with it. "

" People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing. "

" The disconnect between America and its military is shocking. "

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" I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think. "