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" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

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" I'm a walking, talking enigma. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" I just feed off the energy of the audience. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" Obviously comedic styles do change. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "