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" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

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" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. "

" I believe in something. "

" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "

" It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy. "

" You write about what you know. "

" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "

" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" My background is degradation and sloth, mostly. "