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" Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! "

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" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" I think Michael Moore is a hero. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" I don't have many friends. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. "

" I believe in something. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "