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" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

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" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

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" If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" You write about what you know. "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. "

" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "

" I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. "

" Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" I have no secrets. "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "