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" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

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" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" I just feed off the energy of the audience. "

" There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. "

" I can't stand reading anything that I've said. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. "

" Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. "

" People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" I have reservations about everything I do. "

" And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "