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" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

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" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" I'm anti-cheese in a salad. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. "

" I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. "

" Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. "

" I think Michael Moore is a hero. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. "

" Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. "

" I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" You write about what you know. "

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "

" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "