Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

Related Quotes:

" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" I like definitive things. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "