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" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

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" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" I like definitive things. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "