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" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

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" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "