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" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

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" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "