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" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

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" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" I like definitive things. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "