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" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

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" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" I like definitive things. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "