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" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

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" There is always something funny going on between scenes with Adam Sandler. He's always cracking jokes and yelling at people for no reason. It's pretty funny. He'll joke around during scenes, too. When he guest-starred on 'Jessie,' there was nothing in the script that he said first take. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "

" I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. "

" What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human. "

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me. "

" Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. "

" I like definitive things. "

" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. "

" When I was born I owed twelve dollars. "

George S. Kaufman

" Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth. "

" If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do. "

Millie Bobby Brown

" It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. "

" 'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny. "

" If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry. "