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" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

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" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" I like definitive things. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "