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" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "
Jerry Seinfeld
Evidence
People
Still
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" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "
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" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "
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" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "
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" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "
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" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "
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" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "
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" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "
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" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "
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" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "
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" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "
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Home
Feel
Face
" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "
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Go
Hours
" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "
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" I love being a dad. I just love it. "
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Just
I Love
" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "
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Back
You
Attention
" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "
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Treat
Taking
Game
" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "
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Opportunities
" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "
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Road
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" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "
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" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "
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" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "
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You
Having
" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "
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" I like definitive things. "
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Things
Definitive
Like
" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "
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Writers
Level
Keep
" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "
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" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "
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" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "
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Lot
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" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "
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Want
Decision
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" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "
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" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "
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