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" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

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" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" I like definitive things. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "