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" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

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" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

Jerry Seinfeld

World

You

Time

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Laugh

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Look

Humor

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Live

Movement

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Years

Well

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

True

Spirit

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Job

Win

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "