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" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedy

Friends

Laugh

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" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Bad

Hours

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Years

Well

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I like definitive things. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Things

Definitive

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

Jerry Seinfeld

True

Spirit

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "