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" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

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" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. "