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" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "
Rita Rudner
Authority
Person
Me
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" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "
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Me
Good
Friends
" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "
Rita Rudner
Women
Time
Think
" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "
Rita Rudner
Sarcastic
Personality
Humor
" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "
Rita Rudner
Simple
Me
Pleased
" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "
Rita Rudner
Learning
Start
Process
" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "
Rita Rudner
Up And Down
Down
Gym
" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
Rita Rudner
Get
Happy
Joke
" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "
Rita Rudner
Name
Always
First
" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "
Rita Rudner
More
Feet
Dog
" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
Rita Rudner
Rest
Find
Great
" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "
Rita Rudner
Want
Think
Children
" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
Rita Rudner
Singing
Writing
Comedy
" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
Rita Rudner
Think
Pain
Ear
" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "
Rita Rudner
War
Will
Country
" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "
Rita Rudner
You
Man
Over
" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "
Rita Rudner
Good
Business
Time
" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
Rita Rudner
Love
Never
Fallen
" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "
Rita Rudner
Up
Want
Him
" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "
Rita Rudner
Think
Men
People
" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Too Much
Conversation
" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
Rita Rudner
Disappear
Teach
New
" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "
Rita Rudner
Cult
Wonder
Weird
" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "
Rita Rudner
Best
Half
Audience
" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "
Rita Rudner
Dog
Relationship
Husband
" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "
Rita Rudner
Jokes
Love
Write
" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "
Rita Rudner
Live
Night
Partner
" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "
Rita Rudner
Go
Ballet
Summer
" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "
Rita Rudner
Always
Say
Fire
" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
Rita Rudner
Comedy
Dancing
Loved
" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "
Rita Rudner
How
Act
Make