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" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

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" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "