Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

Related Quotes:

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "