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" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

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" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "