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" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

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" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "