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" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

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" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "