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" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

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" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

Rita Rudner

Up And Down

Down

Gym

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

Rita Rudner

Authority

Person

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

Rita Rudner

Too Much

Conversation

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

Rita Rudner

Simple

Pleased

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "