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" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Good
Friends
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" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "
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" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
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" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "
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" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "
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" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "
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" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "
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" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "
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" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "
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" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "
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Woman
Tough
" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
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" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "
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Attention
You
" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "
Rita Rudner
Much
Independence
Done
" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "
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Laugh
You
Want
" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "
Rita Rudner
More
Feet
Dog
" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "
Rita Rudner
Down
Play
Country
" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
Rita Rudner
You
Rest
Great
" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "
Rita Rudner
Dog
Relationship
Husband
" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
Rita Rudner
Care
Take Care
Parents
" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "
Rita Rudner
Castles
Them
Mother
" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "
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Myself
Last
Want
" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "
Rita Rudner
Audience
Feel
Feel Good
" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "
Rita Rudner
Go
Ballet
Summer
" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
Rita Rudner
Acting
Dancing
Thought
" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "
Rita Rudner
Worrying
Worry
Skills
" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "
Rita Rudner
Me
Too Much
Conversation
" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "
Rita Rudner
Right
Body
Off
" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "
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Night
Partner
" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "
Rita Rudner
Disappear
Teach
New
" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
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Class
Got
Mine
" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
Rita Rudner
Comedy
Dancing
Loved