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" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "
Erma Bombeck
Charm
Lost
Bracelet
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" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "
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" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
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" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "
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" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "
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" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "
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" Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "
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" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "
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" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
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" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "
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" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
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" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "
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" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
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" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
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" Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "
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" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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" Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
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" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
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" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
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" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "
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" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
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" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "
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" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "
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" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
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" I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. "
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" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
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" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
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" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "
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