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" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

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" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "

" I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. "

Mary-Kate Olsen

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. "

" A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. "

" I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. "

" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "

" Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. "

" I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some of the landmark comedies people like. And then to add this whole other phase to his career with 'Lost in Translation' and 'Rushmore.' I always felt to be able to have something similar to that would be great. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I'm good at being funny. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. "

" Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. "

Robert A. Heinlein

" The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' "

" Every day after school for 10 years, I was on the set of 'Married... with Children,' which is a really funny and perverse place for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform to grow up. "

" We actually found some home videos, some really funny footage of me when I was around 3 years old. I come up to the camera to do a Nixon impression. I don't know who taught me that, but I come up to the camera and said, 'I am not a crook.' I got a really good laugh. You see me register that bringing joy to people is a positive thing. "

Annaleigh Ashford

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data. "

Yuval Noah Harari

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. "