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" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "

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" If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things. "

" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "

" It's funny how seeing a love story never gets boring, because it's the dream, isn't it? It's the dream to have a true connection with another human being. "

" No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. "

" Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" When you're doing a medieval show like 'Pillars,' it starts off a bit like a school play. You're all in funny costumes; you've had your coffee, and you say, 'Good morning'. Then you go on set and, if you've got good actors and directors, it takes on a life of its own. "

" I remember going with my mom to a random garage sale as a kid and thinking what a cool treasure hunt that whole world was. Only to transition as an adult to think, 'What a gross place that really is.' "

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. "

" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "

" It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. "

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "

" There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. "

Jean Baudrillard

" When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much. "

" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "

" I discovered that funny animal pictures - memes - would get a lot of likes and shares. "

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" What most readers do not realize is that it takes a particular genius to write funny, to satirize. "

" I did 'Love's Labour's Lost' in the theater and found it to be riotously funny. "

Kenneth Branagh

" I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take. "

Anthony Bourdain