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" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

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" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "