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" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

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" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "