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" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

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" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "