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" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

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" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "