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" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

Rita Rudner

Right

Body

Off

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" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

Rita Rudner

Good

Friends

" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

Rita Rudner

Authority

Person

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

Rita Rudner

Want

Him

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

Rita Rudner

Audience

Always

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "