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" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

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" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "