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" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

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" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "