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" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

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" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "

" I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "