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" Life is a dead-end street. "

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" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "