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" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

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" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "