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" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

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" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "