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" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

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" Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" The cynics are right nine times out of ten. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "