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" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

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" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" The only really happy folk are married women and single men. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "