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" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

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" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" Life is a dead-end street. "

" Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "