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" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

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" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

" Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "