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" Most people want security in this world, not liberty. "

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" We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "

" I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. "

" Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. "

" It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. "