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" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

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" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "